Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
