If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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