Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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