I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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