When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
