I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
