if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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