Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
