The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
