i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
