Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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