My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
