Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hippo gnu deer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
