what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
