Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
