can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
