i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just found puke in my bra..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
