"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
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