totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
