So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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