Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
