I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
God, I missed his penis.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
