yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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