just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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