I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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