I can text with my tongue
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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