And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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