someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize