I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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