No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
