Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
