I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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