I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
