Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Girls should come with a carfax report
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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