Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the day after is always just damage control
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Randomize
