New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
