True but thats because hes a fetus.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
