Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I died a long time ago.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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