She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
