Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
