Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
