I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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