Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
