i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm really busy with my period
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