My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
