I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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