Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
