I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
