My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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