So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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