Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
