they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think weed is turning my hair brown
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
