if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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