I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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